Well this is just about the best news ever. According to this awesome link to New York Daily News, http://tinyurl.com/mbvtdnb , there is a clown shortage in the USA. In the article, the president of Clowns of America International ….. wait…. Clowns of America International?? That doesn’t make any sense… Also, how do you get elected president? Be the creepiest dude in the room? Anyways, there is an actual president of clowns and that dude said that over the last decade there’s been a serious decrease in clowns. Probably because they were all in one car and it wrecked – and those are big shoes to fill. (See what I did there?)
Let’s get one thing straight. I’m a manly man’s man. I’m 6’4. I work out. I drink whiskey. I think it’s a great idea to ride a grizzly bear instead of a horse because grizzly bears are faster. But I hate clowns. Clowns are horrible, horrible creatures. The only reason I chose this name for a blog was because I really like the movie Batman Begins and Bruce Wayne chose a bat as a symbol because he was scared of them. I figured if Christian Bale could get over a fear, so could I. And like Bruce Wayne, I have a reasonable fear:
At the risk of sounding like a hipster, I hated clowns before hating clowns was cool. When I was like.. I dunno.. 5? (Mom, correct me if I’m wrong here) I was on the Bozo show. For you kids out there, Bozo’s Circus was a show on WGN. Anyways, my family somehow got tickets to this show and in one of the bits, Bozo’s stage was filled with newspapers and he was going to get into trouble if it wasn’t cleaned up. So Bozo, being the lazy fuck that he was, asked the kids in the audience to help him out. So little Tim, sporting a white hat with a red bill and red lettering that said ‘Timmy’, went on the stage. Little did I know that I was a fucking 5 year-old who got scared as shit when I couldn’t find my mom. So as a scared little kid, I started to freak out. What did Bozo and his sidekick Cookie do? Help a scared little 5 year-old? Nope. Those fuckers laughed. Fast forward 20 something odd years and I can’t look at a clown without wanting to punch it directly in the stupid red nose. True Story.
Clowns are creepy and you know it. What kind of grown man wakes up, puts on white face paint and red lipstick, and ISN’T a serial killer? No man, that’s who. Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe the reason they wear that makeup is because they are hideously deformed under it and are just waiting for an opportunity to come up from behind you, stick some chloroform over your mouth and cage you up in their circus dungeon? I bet you think so now. All I’m saying is that I’d rather have a kid hooked on heroin rather than have aspirations to become a clown.
So back to the shortage of clowns. Good freaking riddance. Hopefully all of them will be gone soon so my niece and nephews and future kids will never have to endure the pain I have endured. Never will they have to almost get into an accident on Lake Shore Drive when they look over in the car next to them and a clown is driving in it. (Another true story, I swerved so freaking hard and almost killed myself.) Hopefully they will never have to get random messages from their friends AND family with pictures of Pennywise from ‘It’ randomly popping up on their phones. Hopefully in a future without clowns the only thing to be scared of is seaweed touching your feet. Gross.
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