Pitbull is Just the Worst.

Pitbull is Just the Worst.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall
This biggity boy's a diggity dog
I have them like Miley Cyrus,
clothes off twerking with my
bras and thongs, timber
Face down, booty up, timber
That's the way we like the war, timber
I'm slicker than an oil spill
She say she won't, but I bet she will, timber

No, what you just read wasn’t me having a seizure. Those are actual lyrics to one of the most popular songs on the radio right now, Timber. The song, sang by something called a Kei$ha features multi-platinum recording “artist” Pitbull.

If you don’t know who Pitbull is, here is a picture for reference:

cute_seal_sunglasses

Pitbull is a rapper who is hard to tell apart from a balled up fist wearing sunglasses. He's from Miami. I know this because he has mentioned it in every last one of his songs 146 times a piece. On the plus side to this, I now know that a bill collector is from Miami when 305 comes up on my caller ID. Pitbull likes to steal songs I used to like, sample them in his music, and forever change my mind of liking said original song. A-Ha’s ‘Take on Me’ ? Ruined. That song from Dirty Dancing? Ruined. For God’s sake, he sampled Rock Lobster by the B-52’s. How could one man ruin Rock freaking Lobster?! Pitbull also does commercials for Dr. Pepper and some vodka I'm sure you'll need after listening to one of his songs.

Anyways, back to those lyrics. Why does Pitbull have bras and thongs? Secondly, what exactly is this war and why does he have to have booties in the air to like it? I don’t think anyone should like war, but maybe that’s just because I’m a veteran. After those lyrics are over he goes on to spin his partner round and round like…. two thousand times.

Me not working hard?
Yeah, right, picture that with a Kodak
Or better yet, go to Times Square
Take a picture of me with a Kodak

These lyrics are from a 2010 diddy entitled 'Give Me Everything Tonight'. In this song, Pitbull goes on to rhyme Kodak with Kodak. This was a stroke of genius and all future rappers should take note. It's some groundbreaking stuff people, deserving of Grammy after Grammy. Some other lyrics are in Spanish which I guess is pretty educational, and lots of lyrics about how he is good at getting women even though he looks like a hairless possum.

Maybe I’m getting old, and at the risk of sounding exactly like my dad, but this isn’t music is it? Granted all the songs sound the same on most radio nowadays, but the only way you know that this song is even over is when the guy next to you in the Ford Taurus puts a bullet in his head.

Now you might be thinking to yourself, “What did Pitbull ever do to you Tim?” The answer to that is simple: He has taken over my morning drive with his ridiculous songs for far too long. I want to go to work happy and upbeat. Instead, I hear a Pitbull song and fire a random employee for no good reason other than I was in a bad mood. I’ve fired 782 people in 2013. That’s a lot of unemployed people, probably homeless right now because Pitbull made me angry. Maybe President Obama should look into this and the unemployment rate. There could be a huge correlation. Pitbull is not allowed on my radio any longer because I want to do my part in boosting the economy. If it were only as easy as bringing him to the vet.....

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Filed under: Humor

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