Chicago Bicyclists Are Back. Prepare to Hate Them Again.

Chicago Bicyclists Are Back. Prepare to Hate Them Again.

So there I was – driving down North Avenue at approximately 7:30 am when it finally happened. It seemed like any normal day, cold, sunny,  me cursing out the radio voices of Eric and Kathy for being so damned cheery, and flipping off the driver behind me who honked at me the split second the light turned green as he assumed my reflexes were too slow to get to the gas pedal.  But I quickly realized that today isn’t like any other normal day. Today… I almost don’t want to say this… Today….. today a bicyclist was on the road.

I thought we had more time, Chicago. I thought we had at least a few more weeks before two-wheeled commuters broke out their Lance Armstrong Live Strong bracelets and knee-high socks to tuck their pants into. I thought we had more beautiful, freezing cold days in which the If-you’re-lucky-they’re-wearing-a-helmet Ass Clowns decided to emerge from their hibernation to “share” the road with us car drivers. Like the Terminator though, they are back and they are back with a vengeance to wreak havoc on our commutes. They are back to sway in and out of traffic as recklessly as they can. They are back to pedal in front of us on a two lane street ensuring we cannot pass them as their smug looks of seniority judge us drivers for trying to inch around them. They are back, and they blow.

I’m just going to say it. Fuck bicyclists. It’s my humble opinion that if you’re over the age of… let’s say 13 … you shouldn’t be riding a bike. Sure, there are exceptions to this rule. 1. Pee-Wee Herman. 2. The guy you see with the 12-er of Natty Ice strapped to his bike. He probably shouldn’t be driving a car in the first place and probably can’t because of his multiple DUIs. 3. The old and/or obese. I’ll give a pass to them as well as they need exercise. Should they do it during rush hour? No. However, fuck it, let them sweat it out. Everyone else though, what the fuck? 


There are trains and busses all over this beautiful city. Why not take advantage of them, Miguel Indurain? I get that you want to look cool with your basket on the front carrying your Whole Foods brand tampons but seriously bro, no one except your smelly buddies think you look cool. You’re not saving the environment either, Aldo Leopold. The longer the thousands of cars are stuck behind you, the longer we’re emitting greenhouse gases into the precious o-zone layer. So really douche, by driving your Huffy you’re killing your imaginary grandchildren because you can’t have them… your balls are wrecked. Science! And no ladies, I didn’t forget about you and your dumb bikes. You suck just as much and your balls are wrecked too.

Bicyclists are worse than Hitler. No, wait.... Bicyclists are worse than Hitler carrying a cancer death-ray and only shooting puppies. Bicyclists are worse than Hitler carrying a cancer death-ray as he shoots puppies and plays only Justin Bieber music on repeat. Bicyclists are worse than Hitler carrying a cancer death-ray shooting puppies, playing Justin Bieber music on repeat while your cell phone has 2 percent battery.


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