10 Things I'd Rather Do Than See 50 Shades Of Grey

I'm not a prude. And I'm betting you aren't either if you're reading a blog called Accidentally Sexy. You've probably embraced the quirks of your own sexuality and, at the very least, read a couple dirty articles in Cosmo. But this movie, 50 Shades of Grey, is leaving me feeling all sorts of disinterested.

I also don't have any judgements on the BDSM community. If you've figured out what you like and found someone to have a consensual fun time with, do whatever you need to do to keep life moving forward. The larger format of BDSM is not my jam and that's fine too. And, honestly, what I've heard from people who ARE in that community is that the book was lame and the movie is too. So, I mean, just kind've think about that for a minute.

Let's look past the arguments that have been made about the social implications or about the fact that this movie was released during Domestic Abuse Awareness Week (Hey Hollywood! Let's maybe not so bluntly try to blur the lines between BDSM consensual couples and non-consensual abuse?). I think what bores me the most about this whole pop culture obsession is that it seems so needy. It reminds me of when the internet first started and everyone wanted to find ways to talk about the internet and now you look back at those news videos and it's embarrassing.

So, I made a list of 10 things that I'd rather do than going to see that 50 Shades of Grey movie.

1) Stay at home and watch porn on my computer like a normal American. For free. And in private.

2) Go on a date with the person I'm dating. Connect with the one your with. Tune into the feelings you get.

3) Hand out wet wipes to every one entering the 50 Shades theater.

4) Watch literally anything else. And, honestly, I've used that word "literally" inappropriately so many times that I'm not even sure if I made everyone's eyes bleed right now.

5) Make people's eyes bleed with my writing.

6) Go grocery shopping on a Sunday afternoon. It seems like that would be less frustrating than sitting through what was described by Eric Kohn, Indiewire as "...most viewers will be seeking a safe word to escape this two-hour-plus mess of half-baked excess."

7) Read "BDSM For Dummies", which I'm assuming exists. It might not be my thing, but at least I'd learn something.

8) Make myself some tea. Exciting.

9) Picket the theater with a sign that says "BUT LADIES HAVEN'T YOU READ THE REVIEWS?!?"

10) Listen to the 50 Shades Soundtrack, because, at the very least, they have some sensual jams on that thing. Earned It by The Weeknd? Shiver me timbers. In fact, this video for the song should have just been the whole movie.

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