Photo Credit: Joe Bielawa
I discovered this little truth around the age of 23: a single man over the age of 40, who can't accept that they are aging, is 100% more likely to have a "soul patch." The fact that it's even called a "soul patch," speaks to how big of a tool you have to be to actually grow one.
To those of you who are unfamiliar, a soul patch is when a man spends time everyday shaving his whoooooole face, only to leave behind a little tuft of hair directly below his lip. They think it says: "I'm young, verile and a bit of a rebel." What it actually says: "I'm old, out of touch and will buy you copious amounts of alcohol before trying to clumsily paw at you."
Older men, I am doing you a favor. Either shave that too or grow out another design. Seriously. I would almost be more impressed if you sported an AJ McLean intricate pencil beard. Yes. A 90s boy band member's creepy "I'm THAT weird uncle" facial hair is a step UP from the "flavor saver" (ugh...so gross) you have planted on your face.
Last night, I met a man with an entirely shaved head and facial skin as soft as silk. He clearly took time to look the way he did. And there was that patch. I immediately guessed his age as 45, which floored him. Just like a Desperate Housewife, he thought he was passing for 25. I'm sorry, sir, but just because you have the facial hair of a boy going through puberty and growing his first beard doesn't make you Justin Bieber. The following conversation ensued:
Him: Well, how old are you?
Me: 27...I'm too old for you.
Him: No, you're not! What do you mean?
Me: Because girls my age have already learned their lesson about soul patches. You've got to go younger.
The rest of the night, he tried to prove his attractiveness to me. I kept reeling him in close enough to think he was getting somewhere and slapping him with a restraining order.
That, mister, is for the soul patch who taught me to beware of his brethren.