Older Men And Their Facial Hair

Older Men And Their Facial Hair

Photo Credit: Joe Bielawa

I discovered this little truth around the age of 23: a single man over the age of 40, who can't accept that they are aging, is 100% more likely to have a "soul patch."  The fact that it's even called a "soul patch," speaks to how big of a tool you have to be to actually grow one.

To those of you who are unfamiliar, a soul patch is when a man spends time everyday shaving his whoooooole face, only to leave behind a little tuft of hair directly below his lip.  They think it says: "I'm young, verile and a bit of a rebel."  What it actually says: "I'm old, out of touch and will buy you copious amounts of alcohol before trying to clumsily paw at you."

Older men, I am doing you a favor.  Either shave that too or grow out another design.  Seriously.  I would almost be more impressed if you sported an AJ McLean intricate pencil beard.  Yes.  A 90s boy band member's creepy  "I'm THAT weird uncle"  facial hair is a step UP from the "flavor saver" (ugh...so gross) you have planted on your face.

Last night, I met a man with an entirely shaved head and facial skin as soft as silk.  He clearly took time to look the way he did.  And there was that patch.  I immediately guessed his age as 45, which floored him.  Just like a Desperate Housewife, he thought he was passing for 25.  I'm sorry, sir, but just because you have the facial hair of a boy going through puberty and growing his first beard doesn't make you Justin Bieber.  The following conversation ensued:

Him: Well, how old are you?

Me: 27...I'm too old for you.

Him: No, you're not!  What do you mean?

Me: Because girls my age have already learned their lesson about soul patches.  You've got to go younger.

The rest of the night, he tried to prove his attractiveness to me.  I kept reeling him in close enough to think he was getting somewhere and slapping him with a restraining order.

That, mister, is for the soul patch who taught me to beware of his brethren.

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