Breaking Up, Cheating, and Heartache

Well...I am certainly in a pickle.  For the past few days, I've been debating whether I should say something, and if I did, how should I even say it.  Since this was such a public relationship, I feel like I should provide some closure and finality to the other people who were invested in it.  Turns out, you can't actually do a group internet mind erase...I tried.  When the ex and I first began dating, we talked about my position as a relationship/dating writer and how that has made some men uncomfortable.  He told me that "if [he] did something really messed up, [he] would expect me to write about it."  At the time, I found that really unique.  So...here goes it...

I broke up with my (now) ex on Sunday, when I accidentally came across solid evidence that he has been cheating on me.  Not just with one girl and not just recently.  Maybe he was using the publicness of our relationship to toy with their emotions?  I really don't know and can't even pretend to understand.  I'm not going to get too detailed, because some things should just be kept private.  He knows what he's done and how he's done it.

He wasn't my boyfriend.  He wasn't even the man that I had believed was my boyfriend.  It's like I've been filming a Lifetime Original called How I Fell For A Conman.  At least I didn't give him money to help out an exiled Nigerian prince.

I have no regrets, because I made decisions based on what I knew at the time.  Most of all, I am okay.  I am not scorned.  I am not bitter.  Yes, I am very angry and very hurt, but this will pass.  I had a fabulous life before, I will have a fabulous life after, and, despite all of this bullshit, I enjoyed the time I shared with him.  I'm glad that things are going well for him and I wish him the best.  I hope he finds whatever happiness that he needs.

Even in retrospect, knowing everything I now do, I can't really see signs of his cheating and, at least one of these girls, is a name I didn't even know before Sunday.  I can, however, identify signs where he wasn't standing up to his role as my man and my partner.  That is what I am left with.  I never needed him.  I just wanted him.  And that's some real shit.

My boyfriend was in the spotlight, just like me, and we would both have to be confident enough in our relationship and what we were doing together to weather the minor attempts from those with poor intentions...on both sides.  The only thing I could've done was put him on a VERY tight leash, and that's not the partnership I was seeking then or in the future.

The man I thought I knew and the relationship I thought I was experiencing never actually existed, which is really going to make this a hell of a lot easier for me.  I can't look back and miss something that never was.  Every second I spent with him, every ounce I exerted on him, was real, raw and genuine.  He knows that.

Things might be very exciting and fast-paced for him right now, but there will be a time when it is quiet and he is alone with his thoughts.  And that's when everything with catch up to him.

If I proved anything with this relationship, it's that I am one ride or die, powerful and supportive partner.  When there is a man who can match that, we will be unstoppable.

I promise you.  I will do my very best to keep my emo thoughts off Twitter and Facebook.

So...I guess...here we go again...

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    Wow. Seriously? I could have written this two years ago. It's dumbfounding when the person you thought you knew doesn't exist in the real world.

    Keep on, keepin' on. His loss. :)

  • In reply to emdub:

    I can't look at the past, because none of it was real...all I can do is look forward. And that's pretty okay. You've got it, girl.

  • Ana, sorry to hear about what happened to you, but you are a great girl and have survived much worse. You are a strong positive being and you have no where else to go but up! You are awesome and deserve better. Your match will come soon and you two will be fierce! You are single now and have the summer to look forward to finding that match!!! FYI, YOU ROCK BITCH!!!

  • In reply to Brandi Wall:

    <3 Thanks, Brandi.

  • You're still the most balanced young lady I know and Ms. Healy is still the most grounded young lady I know. Keep it real and please emote at will - it's empowering sometimes.

    But most of all enjoy your summer.
    - Margie

  • In reply to EveryCrayon:

    Thanks, Margie!

    Did Healy break curfew or something? Lol :)

  • In reply to AnaFernatt:

    Healy, you are the moooooost grounded!! And no talking on the phone for a week!! Hehe :)

  • In reply to AnaFernatt:

    Totally missed my window for a comeback, sorry!

  • The difference in being "wanted" and "needed" can be sensed and can be the strength of the bond that keeps a relationship whole or not.

    Wanting is so temporary; needing is forever.

    Just wondering about how the hairs are split here is all.

  • In reply to Richard Davis:

    That's actually a very good point, Richard. I guess what I was trying to say here is that I wasn't bound to him by needing him to buy me things (I have my own money), needing him to take me places (I can do that for myself), needing him to get me special access to something or help me with a career boost (I have my own connections), etc etc. I was there purely because I wanted to be there. It was a voluntary, conscious and incredibly committed decision. I guess if there was one thing that I needed from him, it was to have that returned.

  • In reply to AnaFernatt:

    All of the things you mentioned are material connections or situations, and while helpful in the day-to-day, do not represent needing. I am supposing he could do most of the same without you, too? Did you feel needed? Did he feel needed?

    Needing is like breathing.

    My guess is that when you meet someone you feel you need, then whether or not he provides the things you mentioned will be of no consequence. The connection will be deeper.

    You will both sense this somehow and both respect and understand, too. I think the "needing" will meld into one mind. It will not be something that can be possessed but calmly accepted.

    Your life is certainly great in front of you!

  • In reply to Richard Davis:

    Thanks for the thoughts, for reading, and the well wishes. Have a great day!

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