Well...I am certainly in a pickle. For the past few days, I've been debating whether I should say something, and if I did, how should I even say it. Since this was such a public relationship, I feel like I should provide some closure and finality to the other people who were invested in it. Turns out, you can't actually do a group internet mind erase...I tried. When the ex and I first began dating, we talked about my position as a relationship/dating writer and how that has made some men uncomfortable. He told me that "if [he] did something really messed up, [he] would expect me to write about it." At the time, I found that really unique. So...here goes it...
I broke up with my (now) ex on Sunday, when I accidentally came across solid evidence that he has been cheating on me. Not just with one girl and not just recently. Maybe he was using the publicness of our relationship to toy with their emotions? I really don't know and can't even pretend to understand. I'm not going to get too detailed, because some things should just be kept private. He knows what he's done and how he's done it.
He wasn't my boyfriend. He wasn't even the man that I had believed was my boyfriend. It's like I've been filming a Lifetime Original called How I Fell For A Conman. At least I didn't give him money to help out an exiled Nigerian prince.
I have no regrets, because I made decisions based on what I knew at the time. Most of all, I am okay. I am not scorned. I am not bitter. Yes, I am very angry and very hurt, but this will pass. I had a fabulous life before, I will have a fabulous life after, and, despite all of this bullshit, I enjoyed the time I shared with him. I'm glad that things are going well for him and I wish him the best. I hope he finds whatever happiness that he needs.
Even in retrospect, knowing everything I now do, I can't really see signs of his cheating and, at least one of these girls, is a name I didn't even know before Sunday. I can, however, identify signs where he wasn't standing up to his role as my man and my partner. That is what I am left with. I never needed him. I just wanted him. And that's some real shit.
My boyfriend was in the spotlight, just like me, and we would both have to be confident enough in our relationship and what we were doing together to weather the minor attempts from those with poor intentions...on both sides. The only thing I could've done was put him on a VERY tight leash, and that's not the partnership I was seeking then or in the future.
The man I thought I knew and the relationship I thought I was experiencing never actually existed, which is really going to make this a hell of a lot easier for me. I can't look back and miss something that never was. Every second I spent with him, every ounce I exerted on him, was real, raw and genuine. He knows that.
Things might be very exciting and fast-paced for him right now, but there will be a time when it is quiet and he is alone with his thoughts. And that's when everything with catch up to him.
If I proved anything with this relationship, it's that I am one ride or die, powerful and supportive partner. When there is a man who can match that, we will be unstoppable.
So...I guess...here we go again...