Kittens, Pumas and Cougars - Oh My!

There was a recent dispute in the RedEye offices over what exactly makes a woman a "cougar."  Oh....rookies!  There are actually three very distinct classifications of feline that roam the friendly streets of Chicago.  Let me enlighten the blogosphere on the complexities of womankind.

 

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A girl in her 20s, the kitten loves to flex her claws with a good game of cat and mouse.  She may snuggle up to you in a bottle service booth and softly purr in your ear, but don't be fooled...the kitten is always in control.  She's practicing for the pounce.  With her baby voice and mischievous eyes, Paris Hilton is the epitome of the kitten.  She's just playing with her dinner, the kitten is not quite ready to hung for big game....leave that to the pumas.

 

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With far more sophisticated techniques, the puma has grace that only comes once a woman hits her 30s.  The puma is at the top of her game.  If she chooses to date a younger man, it's because he is able to meet her level and offer a challenge.  Kittens could never keep a puma's man interested.   A puma knows what she wants from her career, life AND men.  Her advances are so subtle and powerful that a man won't realize he's being hunted until it's too late.  Jennifer Aniston flaunted her sexy puma prowess when she nabbed John Mayer, a known womanizer and moving target, at the height of his career and libido. 

 

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A cougar is a 40+ woman who will pick off the young and dumb of the pack with swift strength.  The cougar is past the point of playing games and has one thing on her mind...and that thing is tow-headed Abercrombie + Fitch models.  The cougar loves being the older, more experienced woman and teaching young Tomcats new tricks.  Linda Hogan, with her bleached blonde hair and outrageously sexy outtfits jumped on her first chance to snap up a 20-year-old blatant boy toy as soon as divorce proceedings began with the Hulk.  This woman went for the kill!  I'm not going to hate on you, Linda!

The Moral Of The Story: There has always been a certain fascination with the seductive Mrs. Robinson-types, but as a culture we seem to be progressing more and more into empowering women to be the masters of their own sexuality.  In a day of botox and face lifts, women have the opportunity to stay "youthful" for longer...and yet it is the older woman who has carved out a spot for herself as the queen of the mating pyramid.  Getting older just got a whole lot less terrifying.

 

(Celeb Photos Credited to AP, Cat/Puma/Cougar Photo Credited to sxc.hu) 

Comments

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  • Love this post! Very enlightening.

  • I wasn't even aware there was a cougar classification system. Should be a DSM axis too, I think, but oh well. Thanks for enlightening.

  • In reply to ryankiefer:

    No you did NOT pull the DSM-IV axis out! HAHA!

  • In reply to ryankiefer:

    So where does Jessica Alba fall? Besides my lap.
    HI-YOOOOOOOOOO!

  • I am sure that this was meant on purpose for the Kitten section "the kitten is not quite ready to hung for big game..." especially when mentioning Paris Hilton...

  • In reply to egspoony:

    LAWL!
    Well, we all did see her tape...
    It fits in.

  • OMG. "Manthers." LOVE IT.

  • I still find it weird that "manthers" tend to be seen as creepy guys exerting their spending power and stability to exploit younger women when cougars are seen as older women finding empowerment in their sexuality. It seems like fundamentally the same thing to me.

  • In reply to Iaman:

    As I said on Twitter, to be fair, all men are Manthers then.

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