Tales of Terror: The EX-Files


Abbott and Costello meet Frankenstein. Universal, 1948. Directed by Charles Barton. Lon Chaney, Jr. as the Werewolf

It's the day before Halloween and the weather outside is quite possibly the creepiest, muggiest scene outside of Stephen King's The Fog.  So, gather around the campfire ladies...I've got some bone-chilling tales of ex-boyfriends that will keep you up at night.

Let me introduce a new term to your vernacular: WAX. (Wack Acting eX).  We've all got at least one.

The Delusion-ist

The Delusion-ist is the guy who not only thinks that he can get you back, but thinks you are actively trying to get him back.

Mitch* and Suzanne* had a terrible break-up.  One that involved him trying to make her jealous of every female he'd ever known and her staying with her sister every weekend so that she could handle the barrage of calls, texts and e-mails.  After he finally got the point and things quieted down, Suzanne never looked back.  He was just as crazy in the heat of the relationship as in its dying breaths.  Several month later, Suzanne heard someone close to Mitch had died.  She thought she'd be a nice person and offer her condolences.  MISTAKE!  Crazy doesn't just go away.  Mitch told Suzanne that he'd been dating one of his female friends at the same time as Suzanne and also that she obviously remembered what a stud he was and that's why she contacted him.  Reality: Suzanne and her best friend think Mitch looks like the Queen of England.


The Tragic 80s Movie

This is the guy who you'll find outside your window holding up a boombox and shouting his undying love.  He probably has a letterman jacket hanging in his entryway.

Jenny, my best friend, dated a high school teacher for a couple months.  He would give her all sorts of random gifts and write messages to her all throughout her apartment.  (Editor's Note:  I thought it was super creepy, but Jenny is a Leo and attention is her kryptonite.)  The Teacher messaged Jenny one day and in uber dramatic fashion removed his name from the race.  He felt she was not quite as into him as he to her.  (Editor's Note: He was right!)  Just yesterday, Jenny received a surprise package in the mail with characteristic uni-bomber scrawlings of love etched all over the wrapping.  Inside was the most amazing relic I think has ever been unearthed in relationship history...............a video collection of The Teacher's band covering all of Jenny's favorite songs.


The Bunny Boiler

This is the ex who doesn't cope well with rejection....

Harry* and I had a passionate and brief relationship.  He was very smart, creative and had gorgeous dark eyes.  In the end, though, the issues we had were complete deal breakers and we had to call it quits.  He didn't take it too well.......  About a month later, I went with a bunch of friends to a Dewars Whiskey Tasting.  (Let's just say that I now know whiskey tastings with my friends will only lead to a Red Headed Slut shot-a-thon at Pippins.)  In my merry mood, I accidentally sent a one word text to Harry.  Apparently, this was taken as an open invitation to jump back into my life.  He texted and called me for about three days and I just ignored him.  Finally, I told him to leave it and let it be a pleasant memory.  Harry responded by saying that he would try to ruin my reputation and spread rumors about me.  I had dated Harry for about three weeks.


What's your craziest WAX story? 


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  • OMG. That "Teacher" guy is quite a stalker?!

  • This "ex" has the qualities of the Delusionist: We met at a Richard Dawkins book signing. The reason why I typed "ex" in quotation marks was that we never went out. We never "dated". Instead, he was too broke to take me out, and not only that, he treated me like garbage. Always flaked, never made any effort to see me. The relationship ended quickly. Months later, I received a very apologetic text message from him. I denied him. Nearly two years later, I received an e-mail from him proclaiming his love. That's right, LOVE for me. "I was such an asshole. I'm sorry. I wish I could spoil you now. Yadda yadda." Too late, jerk.

  • In reply to JTFromChi:

    eeeeeeeek. A stalker ex who wasn't even "an Ex"? Terrible.

  • In reply to JTFromChi:

    I feel compelled to share my story of my most recent ex, who's a nice addition to the scary stories listed here.. I'll keep it brief, because what's done is done, right?

    We dated for a few months, he dumped me, got back together, and unfortunately I was too nice and let him treat me like crap. He would go out of his way to make me miserable and say things to me at night as we were about fall asleep like "You need to get over me already, we can't keep doing this." Or my favorite, when I would give him prints from my printmaking class, or make him art "What am I supposed to do with this?" Yea... I finally emailed him recently telling him that we cannot be friends anymore or speak because I can no longer take the excessive negativity, and he had some sort of notion that I would get back with him, even though I made my motives crystal clear, and he responded with some self absorbed nonsense asking if I was 'dumping him.'..he dumped me in April, so..yea. I'd rather just stick to reading books and not dating crazies :)

  • In reply to JTFromChi:

    I've never been hooked by tales of bad ex-boyfriends, probably because the shoe fits just as easily on the other foot. For every bad/creepy/crazy guy out there, there is a bad/creepy/crazy girl. It's a little too revisionist for my liking. The guys you mentioned -- "The Delusionist," "The Tragic 80s Movie" and "The Bunny Boiler" -- clearly all had qualities that made them date-able in the first place. However, it's not until the breakup that those qualities become twisted and skewed to make you feel better about either yourself, or the breakup as a whole. (I don't mean you, personally, but for men and women in general.)

    It's OK. I've been there too. The person you're dating is the best guy/girl in the whole world when you're actually dating. Then, after a breakup, fight or falling out, that person is suddenly a terrible person, not worth your time, or resembles a bad '80s movie. This is the kind of stuff we tell ourselves post-breakup to cope. It's not always a sincere mechanism for recovery, but it sure is effective.

    I think the best method of dealing with whack exes is to ignore them completely. I feel nothing from tarnishing my ex-lovers anymore. I used to, but it's really not something I'm into anymore. Now I ignore them and work toward the next one. It's healthier. For me, anyway.

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