A Suburban Dad's Guest Blog: Superheroes for Aging Grown Ups

By Rick Kaempfer

The movie "The Avengers" is doing big box office. I haven't seen it yet, and I probably won't see it unless my boys force me to take them. Superheroes just don't speak to me as much as they once did. The sorts of things they save people from aren't really problems I face on a daily basis. That's why I've come up with a list of my own superheroes.

1. Super man
This super is the man in your apartment building that fixes all the things that go wrong, and doesn't charge you for it as long as you give him a beer or two. He hasn't been seen in years, but if he were ever to re-emerge, I've got a long list of crap that needs to be fixed.

2. Starbuck Rodgers
This superhero coffee translator will help me determine what the heck the person in front of me means when she orders a Triple Venti Sugar free, Non fat, No foam, extra caramel, with whip caramel macchiato. He will also slap the barista giving me attitude when I ask for a "large coffee."

3. Iron man
This superhero helps my anemia by providing appropriate doses of Geritol; now available in gummy vitamins.

4. Flash
This Adobe superhero will stop the company from updating the damn software every thirty seconds, thereby eliminating the ever annoying pop up that tells me: "your flash player is out of date".

5. Wine-der Woman
If the neighborhood snobs are coming over for dinner, Wine-der Woman will swoop in to pick out the perfect matching wine for the evening.

6. Splatman
Even after I go through the car wash, the remnants of that pigeon's most recent splat won't come off my windshield without scrubbing. I dream of "Splatman" arriving just in time to save me from that icky task.

7. The Greenspan Hornet
Who couldn’t use the stock tips and financial planning provided by this investor superhero? He was once so powerful that he could upend the entire stock market simply by uttering a few abstract phrases. Imagine what he can do with my personal portfolio.

8. Generation X-Man
This tech-savvy superhero has an app for that, and will help me put it on my smart phone.

9. The Lone Rogainger
Yes, my balding friend, The Lone Rogainger responds to every balding emergency. Creating the perfect combover is not as easy as you'd think.

10. The Incredible Sulk
By day, the Incredible Sulk is no different than you or me. But when someone is involved in a customer service nightmare, he transforms into a rampaging squeaky wheel, ensuring no one is treated badly by faceless corporations. His mere presence is enough to get you your money back.

Get me a movie with this Justice League, and I'll be the first in line.

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