Please shut it. Since when is mouth-breathing sexy?

If you’ve read Girl with a Pearl Earring or only just saw the movie (guilty!), then maybe you, like me, were stunned to find out that back in the 17th century, a painting of a woman with her mouth hanging open was basically porn. I know! Now, here in the 21st century, I’ve noticed a disturbing new trend: actresses emulating 17th century porn stars.

Kristen Stewart’s mouth hung open for approximately half of Twilight. Either she had a horrible sinus condition during filming or maybe somewhere along the line someone told her mouth-breathing was sexy. But after a while, watching her mouth hang open started to make me nuts. Or rather, more nuts that watching that whole inane movie could. Nuts enough to write an entire blog about it, anyway.

By the time we saw Underworld, I just couldn’t take it anymore. Sure I was coming off a recent bought of annoyance with a mouth-breathing actress and my patience for it was already thin, but honestly, I don’t think Kate Beckinsale’s mouth closed once in the first fifteen minutes of the movie, which is approximately the point where I fell asleep. (In all fairness to her, perhaps she didn’t open her mouth again for the whole rest of the movie, but I’m afraid I don’t know about that, and after enduring the first fifteen minutes, I don’t care to find out.)

Okay, sure. I can understand some mouth-breathing on the part of an actress in a movie, like maybe if her character is running a marathon or something, however I find this a disturbing trend. I’m sorry, but where I come from, mouth breathing was for social outcasts and dimwits. I don’t know why these actresses are doing it. Guys, maybe you can help me out here. Is it attractive? Does a woman with her jaw scraping the pavement drive you wild?

Or maybe these actresses don’t think it’s sexy. Maybe they think it’s acting. Or maybe they are actual mouth-breathers and have started a "dimwits are people, too" movement. Whatever. (I know that’s what you’re saying right about now.) It all just makes me want to reach for one of those sleep apnea devices, because at least then, if I grab the right kind, I wouldn't have to stare into the open maws of any aspiring 17th century porn stars.


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