A Suburban Dad's Guest Blog: Your Language is Your Age

By Rick Kaempfer

They say that age is only a number, but when that number starts with a 4, you enter a sort of "coolness" no-man's land. You’re kids are probably too young to let you know if you’re woefully out of touch or not, and you have this nagging feeling that everything you thought was cool is no longer considered cool.

You’re right.

But there are ways to avoid putting a blinking light on your advancing age. The biggest giveaway is obviously your looks, but even those of you that somehow managed to enter middle age without looking like it can give yourselves away by misusing the language.

Don't overreact to this inevitable crisis by trying to talk like a youngster. It’s not important to learn the new slang. Not only does that take way too much time and effort; it also tends to make you look a little pathetic.

Instead, just stop using outdated slang.

If you use any of the following words or phrases, there isn’t a person in this country that won’t immediately recognize your advancing age. Avoid them at all costs.

1. “Fresh”
The kids still use this one, but they never, ever use it this way: “He was getting a little fresh with me.”

2. “Stinker”
Nobody under the age of 70 uses that word. If you’re talking to a child and you say “Stop being a little stinker,” everyone will know that you are the child’s grandparent.

3. “Sporty”
If your Mercury Sable is “sporty,” you’re old. If you’re new outfit is “sporty,” you may be too far gone for us to help you.

4. “Hunk”
If you see an attractive man and tell your girlfriends that he is a “Hunk,” he is at least thirty years younger than you are.

5. “Hold your horses”
If someone is a little overanxious and you say “hold your horses,” everyone in the room will know that you lived during a time when people did it for real.

6. “Far Out”, “Right On”, “Out of Sight”
These phrases died in the plane crash with John Denver. If you still use any of them (unless you are being ironic or sarcastic), take that country road back to the place where you belong...the old folks home.

7. "Hubba Hubba"
When you say it, expect to hear this from any young person in the room... "Ewwww."

8. “Young Man” or “Young Lady”
If you use either one of these terms at the end of the sentence...”Where do you think you’re going, __________?”...brace yourself. Your grandson or granddaughter may just get a little fresh with you.

9. "The Little Woman" or "The Ball and Chain"
If you call your wife either of these things, there's a very good chance that you won't be married much longer, or your first name is Rush (or both).

Then again, if that's your name right now, your use of "outdated" phrases is the least of your problems.

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