By Rick Kaempfer
Remember when flowers were considered the perfect gift for women? You could get them for your wife, your mother, your female friends, or your female co-workers—and nobody thought a thing of it—other than “Awwww. That’s so thoughtful.”
Those days are over. If you haven’t bought flowers for a woman lately, you’ve missed a complete transformation of flower society. Flowers are still considered a perfect gift, but now they are too perfect. Now the conversation with the florist may go a little something like this...
Man: I like to buy some red roses please.
Florist: Oh your wife will love these.
Man: It’s not for my wife.
Florist: Your girlfriend?
Man: No…a co-worker.
Florist: Do you want her to be your girlfriend?
Florist: Oh dear.
Florist: Red roses mean love.
Man: Oh. Sorry. Make it pink roses then.
Florist: Excellent choice. Would you like a soft gentle pink or a deeper pink?
Florist: Deeper pink conveys a message of gratitude.
Man: Well…I’m getting her flowers because she got a promotion. It’s not exactly gratitude.
Florist: Are you her boss or is she your boss?
Man: Um…we’re sort of equals I guess.
Florist: Soft gentle pink conveys a message of admiration.
Man: Well, I guess admire her…
Florist: (grinning) In a slightly, where can this lead us, sort of way?
Florist: Then I’d recommend staying away from the soft gentle pink.
Man: What about white roses?
Florist: White roses say “You’re heavenly.”
Man: No. What about those peach roses?
Florist: Desire and Zest.
Man: No. The dark ones?
Florist: You mean the burgundy? Those mean “unconscious beauty.”
Man: No. The yellow?
Florist: Yellow roses stand for joy and happiness.
Man: Yeah…that sounds good.
Florist: How many would you like?
Man: How about just one?
Florist: Engagement or marriage.
Man: Are you serious?
Florist: That means you’ll never forget her.
Man: No. What do you recommend?
Florist: I’d recommend an arrangement with the yellow roses as the centerpiece.
Florist: What is her sign?
Florist: Her zodiac sign? If she’s an Aries, I’d recommend some tiger lilies or impatiens, if she’s a Taurus, I’d say go with a poppy or daisy, if she’s a Gemini—lily of the valley or lilac, if she’s a Capricorn—
Man: I’ll take a plant please.
Florist: What kind of plant? Would you like a…
Man: Plain, green.
By the way, just for the record, I didn’t make up any of those “meanings.” Feel free to save yourself some heartache and study the conversation before you enter the florist next time.
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