By Rick Kaempfer
I admit it. I used to watch a lot of television. But I find myself watching less and less lately, and I've compiled some reasons why.
The following things bug me so much, I've replaced my quality television time with alternatives like exercise and more time with the children.
But let me just say this to the television powers that be: If you fix the following things, I'll be back in your loving arms quicker than you can say "Where is the remote?"
*The volume on cable television ads.
I'm wearing a cast on my volume-control thumb from switching it back and forth during the commercials. LOUD, soft, LOUD, soft, LOUD, soft. Aarrrgh.
*Yes, we see you! You’re on TV!
Like, that was so cool. The TV reporter was talking about the grisly crime scene details, and you were like, so totally hopping up and down behind him. We saw your Megadeth t-shirt! Did you TIVO it?
The FCC can fine television networks for objectionable content in their shows, but they obviously aren’t watching the commercials. Any commercial that talks about a four hour erection, features a mother and daughter talking about douching, or mentions the phrase “loose stool”, shouldn’t be on TV. Please, I beg you. I'm trying to eat a snack here.
“Joining us now to give analysis of the politician’s speech is the best man at his wedding--the godfather of his child--and the man who wrote the speech. What did you think of the speech? And next to him is the sworn enemy of the politician, a man who has written eight books criticizing everything the politician has ever said or done. What did you think of the speech?”
*Production values on tragic news reports
“Ooh, this is going to be a bad story. Listen to that sad music. Wait for it...wait for it...here comes the...sound effect stinger. Yup. This one’s going to be tragic.”
Women's softball should never, repeat never, be listed on the news-flash scroll at the bottom of the ESPN screen. Anyone who wants to know a women's softball score attended the game. Let's take it easy on the tennis scores too, please. Geez, I wonder if the #27 seed beat the #73 seed in the first round of the Greater Australian Virginia Slims/American Airlines Open?
*Labeling something as a “Reenactment”
“Honey, look! They have film of George Washington crossing the Delaware! Oh...never mind. I didn’t see the graphic on the bottom of the screen there. It’s a reenactment.”
Please fix these small little items and I'll be back, television.
You know I miss you.