A Suburban Dad's Guest Blog: Man Begs Dog

Kim's post about her dog vomiting on her bed oddly made me feel better.

You see, our little pooch Ivy is a bit of a horker herself. You know the expression "Eat (Poop) and Die"? Turns out, it's slightly misleading. Ivy has discovered that eating it won't make you die. It will, however, cause you to do exactly what Kim's dog did on her comforter.

In my house we know this all too well because Ivy has never found a pile of it that didn't constitute a fine dining experience. I watch her circling it with excitement, her facial expression giving away her thoughts: "Is that...?   I think it is.  Yessiree, get me a bib, I'm going in."

Even when I think I've been diligent and picked it all up, there's probably a delicious leftover morsel somewhere.

That's why I've found myself switching roles with my dog. She doesn't beg me. I beg her.  It usually goes a little like this: "Please, dog, please. Leave that pile alone just this one time."

I've also written the following letter to her, just in case my begging isn't sufficient.

Dear Ivy,

They tell me you can't understand human language, so I'm
guessing you probably can't read either. Right now, I don't care. Sit
your butt down and read this. Your butt, by the way, is that place on
your body you nearly snap your spine to smell and lick fifty times a day.

OK, let's start with a few gimmes that I didn't think we'd need to discuss.

#1: Your poop is not food.
Not anymore, anyway. It used to be food, but you see, it's already been
digested, and all that's left now is the waste. First hint that it's not
made for eating: IT SMELLS REALLY BAD. That's nature's way of saying:

Don't look at me with those cute puppy dog eyes. It's not going to work this time. I'm not done yet.

#2: Your vomit is not food.
I don't know if you've noticed this, but your vomit is the same color as
your poop. Do you know why? Because it was poop fifteen minutes ago.
Your body doesn't like the poop (see #1), and that's why it's coming
back out in the form of vomit. Guess what will happen if you eat it

#3: Our shoes are not food.
They don't even taste remotely like food, which is probably a good hint.
We wear those on our feet, which don't smell that good, and that's
probably another good hint. They never appear in your food bowl, and
that's a third hint. Work with me here, dog.

And finally,

#4: You will never find food in anyone's pants.
No matter how hard you dig. No matter what side you dig in (front or
back). No matter whose pants you're digging in.Trust
me on this, and stop searching. Some people take that digging for gold
the wrong way.

Thanks for listening, and good luck on your quest.

Your loving pal,

The guy that feeds you real food

P.S. By the way, don't even think of telling me that "a dog's mouth is
cleaner than a human's mouth." Whoever said that has never
met a dog.

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